Praying.

Lord,
You know my heart when it's hurting and broken, when there are no words to be spoken you still hear. Where is my love? Is it focused on you? I'm trying, and even in my trying I'm still somehow crumbled and shaken all over the ground like bits of what seems as less than dust. I can't help but be uncertain about what is happening and why - in my mind I know You already have a plan, but the question still lingers - will I trust that? Please, continue to stretch and grow - take away what you may or provide what you will and wont. Forgive me in my falling short - I'm helpless without every bit of You. I know I've made mistakes and I ask that you help me to identify them, I wanna change and be more, better. What is Your will O my sweet Lord that you would want me? Show me day by day who I can be, what I can do for You and to bring Your name praise and glory. Do what You can with what I've made - a wretched mess .And help me to trust You alone. There is no man to be praised, no man to be trusted and Lord, You're the One who works all things together for my life - Your life. Thank you for your patience, but most of all for really loving me.
In Your name
Amen

On life and dreams

Well, my dreams have done it again. I'll get to it in a sec - first some background info. 

It's no secret that I really want to have a little girl. My husband and I have talked a lot about the idea, but have never committed to it due to the fact we know full well if we try for another child - a girl is in no way guaranteed. Anyway, I've still pretty much held on to the idea, prayed about it and it just hasn't gone away. I've always allowed myself time to entertain the name game - What will her name be? And there is one name I've always loved so I thought for sure her name would have to be it. Right? Why wouldn't it be the one name I think is so utterly cute and unique...Haha
One night though I had a dream about having a little girl, but in my dream her first name wasn't what I had originally thought it to be. It really wasn't even a name that I would think of or even consider if not for the dream. Abigail - making her first and middle name ~ Abigail Oakley. :D Don't you love it? I do. So from that point on I kind of insisted to myself that if I ever had a girl her name would have to be Abigail Oakley. What I didn't think of til days later (possibly weeks later) is wondering if there was an Abigail in the Bible. So of course, I search her name and find a story all about the coolness of Abigail, the beautiful and smart woman in the Old Test. I read her story and I'm not really sure if dreams ever really do mean anything - I know a lot of people say they don't. In my lifetime though, I've had a couple dreams that have really changed my life or perspective on things in my life.. Even if it does mean something - I'm not sure quite what because it could be a number of things. Or even if it doesn't - I think it's kind of cool how it came to me and how the two names seem to be really pretty together. Maybe God just wants her name to be Abigail Oakley - I don't know, but this made my desire to have a little girl even more like real or maybe, possibly God will actually give me my little girl. I'll be excited to find out - especially since Cj seems to be leaning more and more in the same direction.

That's my post for today ~ :)

Overdue

I'm supposed to be brand new, right? I can say that I know I'm definitely moving in the right direction. Becoming more Christ like daily.... But I'm gonna be honest and say - I rarely feel brand new. I feel old, on some days more broken than ever before. The funny thing is - I'm ok with that part because I know it means I'm going through the growing and stretching... I'm changing into something better - I can see that in myself... The most frustrating thing for me is that I'm failing a lot. Or there is  this one area that always hurts, and I keep giving it right back to Him, ya know? Am I doing it right? I don't know because it just keeps being thrown in my face. I'm constantly challenged with the same thing. I pray and if God is strengthening me through it - Fine, I'll struggle for it. By all means, bring it on... I'm just never really sure. Please, Lord, refine me as much as You'd like, but please give me some sign that I've made some progress..

I wish I could take my friends place. I wish that the Lord would've decided to give me cancer instead of her... And I know He knows what He's doing, but I thoroughly loathe seeing this particular struggle. I'm learning a little about what feeling helpless in a situation feels like... There isn't much one can do when all of the physical horrid junk takes over ones body. I just want to do more. Praying for my friend and just really not liking this whole not being able to do anything while your friend suffers thing. Blah. No fun.

Off to bed...