Overdue

I'm supposed to be brand new, right? I can say that I know I'm definitely moving in the right direction. Becoming more Christ like daily.... But I'm gonna be honest and say - I rarely feel brand new. I feel old, on some days more broken than ever before. The funny thing is - I'm ok with that part because I know it means I'm going through the growing and stretching... I'm changing into something better - I can see that in myself... The most frustrating thing for me is that I'm failing a lot. Or there is  this one area that always hurts, and I keep giving it right back to Him, ya know? Am I doing it right? I don't know because it just keeps being thrown in my face. I'm constantly challenged with the same thing. I pray and if God is strengthening me through it - Fine, I'll struggle for it. By all means, bring it on... I'm just never really sure. Please, Lord, refine me as much as You'd like, but please give me some sign that I've made some progress..

I wish I could take my friends place. I wish that the Lord would've decided to give me cancer instead of her... And I know He knows what He's doing, but I thoroughly loathe seeing this particular struggle. I'm learning a little about what feeling helpless in a situation feels like... There isn't much one can do when all of the physical horrid junk takes over ones body. I just want to do more. Praying for my friend and just really not liking this whole not being able to do anything while your friend suffers thing. Blah. No fun.

Off to bed...