Dreams

I was in a really beautiful place, but it was also kind of intimidating.  I was with a group of people, and of course I was taking pictures.  There was a steep stairwell made of marble stone. It was magnificent, with a glittered charcoal swirl running through it.  It ventured up a steep mountainous hill or maybe it was a small mountain. At the top there was an entrance, you could sit & swing there at the top except of course you didn't really want to because of how high up you were. When you exited the swing on the opposite side there was a band, but not just a band maybe more like an orchestra or something.   The music that they played was beautiful, it drew you in & made you long to hear more, to be closer & even the animals there were dancing. I kept trying to get pictures of all the beautiful that surrounded me, especially the gorgeously painted dancing animals, but it seemed like every time I tried something or someone got in my way. I started to get really frustrated. I just needed to remember this amazing place, needed to capture all of these moments that were taking my breath away, but it seemed impossible. I almost fell down the marble stairs in my endless efforts of trying. 

Everything in this place made you want to be there & it didn't matter how high you had to climb it was worth it. The scary intimidation didn't hold you because everything was perfect and you knew if you pushed through you could be a part of that perfection... 

Dreams....

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A robot sort of perspective...

Some things are programmed into our minds; how we should feel is a big one (about ourselves, about others, about what to think & not to think, what to eat or not eat, what's "cool," what's "right," & etc.) On somedays it seems as if we have no choice, but thankfully we as Christians have solid truth on what we're supposed to think, feel & do... While I'm very much thankful I'm rooted in God's word & have a really great relationship with Him - I still have those days...

On some days I can't figure out what's wrong with me, why I'm feeling so worthless & disgusting.  Why I'm feeling like no one cares & that I don't matter... You get the picture...

I guess I'm kind of like a robot sometimes - I'm programmed a certain way, yes, but on some days I still malfunction & cause a short in my connection to my main programmer.

It's funny to me - Even though I may malfunction, I have this amazing genius, who's willing to take the necessary time needed to work out all the bugs... I have a lot of bugs & many a time where I seem to malfunction. 

So on some days - Yea, I may feel like a robot, but it's ok because even through my malfunctions I can still be worked on & changed- grown.

God is the coolest. 

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You let me go

You let me go
Beyond who I am

Taking pieces of me
Others refuse to see
You raise me up
You build me up
Help me do things
Normally out of reach

And almost always
There's nothing sweeter
To be free of who you were
To everyone else I'm just me
And to you I'm more than just
What the dull eye's see

You let me go
Beyond who I am

Breaking me down
But building me up
You're strengthening me
You're embracing me
And unlike everyone else
Who typically just walk away
You're always going the distance
Showing you're here to stay

And almost always
There's nothing sweeter
To be free of who you were
To everyone else I'm just me
Even to myself
But to you I'm more than just
What my dull eye's see

You let me go
Beyond who I am or who I was
Beyond who I think I want to be
Beyond what others think of me

You let me go....
Above
And
Beyond

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Written yesterday

Who is worthy of your heart?
What is worthy of your heart?

Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above ALL else, for it determines the course of your life.

In a day & age where love is so desperately sought after, where sex/physical touch becomes the key or deciding factor to determine if somebody loves you, in a world where feelings and emotions determine what love means (as if!,) and in a life where we were actually created for the purpose of finding love. I'm curious, what is the real love we're supposed to be finding and who is truly worthy of our hearts? In a generation where so often people misplace their hearts, a generation where oft even Christians struggle with keeping their hearts in the right place, a time where anything goes, do what you please - I have to write ... We're too often getting it wrong.
God made us indeed, to find love, but that love is in Him. He created us to find the truth which is also in Him. He designed love to be more than just feelings and emotion. Our hearts are often misplaced & our feelings and emotion act as wrong directors that only seem to aid in that misplacement. Our hearts, above all else, belong to God. There is a very good reason for this. He doesn't just make up rules or ideas for no rhyme or reason, they serve such great purpose! If our hearts are in God's hands, they become guarded by the strongest guard of all! Him! They become protected & well taken care of. They're treasured & loved to the deepest, most sincere level of real love. They're taken seriously & they're held as if they're the most precious of glass. Our hearts were designed for Him. He is the One worthy of our hearts!

Now obviously God also created us for one another, man to woman. But He created you for Him first. So if you're doing it right & you give your heart to God first, then don't you believe that when the time is right that He'll take you to or bring that other person worthy of your heart into your life? Yes, He will. He has to have it first though & you have to give it to Him- whole heartedly!

I don't really know what prompted me to write this to be honest. I'm not sure it is well written either. I just know that giving God our hearts is the most important thing in life. This is the way we guard our hearts - by putting them in His hands, by trusting that He'll take care of them, by knowing that He'll guide you to the right places and spaces in life and lastly by realizing that this is all done in perfect timing.

We must stop putting our hearts in the wrong place. They belong in one place & one place only.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope that you take some time today to think about who or what may have your heart and if it's in the wrong place - I hope you start today by putting it in the right place!

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Perhaps I'm Morbid - Nah...

This may be an off or odd blog post for some people. *Note - I'm warning you ahead of time.

Lately death & dying has come up more than a few times; whether it be between my spouse & I or both of us paired with friends etc..

I kind of find the reactions i get to my feelings on the topic humorous... Especially my husband's response! I always say- I'm ok with dying & if it God were to take my life now than I wouldn't be sad about it. I'm ready to go, now or tomorrow, perhaps in a year or ten. I don't believe it's selfish or weird, and I hate when people look at me like I'm some morbid freak of nature. I am a freak of nature,  just not in this area. (:

I'm ready because I know where I'm going & that if I do go, I can trust that God is going to take care of what's left of me here. I'm ready because I get to be with my maker, which is the most sweetest & precious thing in all of time. I'm ready because frankly - my life has been a bit exhausting and while, yea, I'm in the absolute best part of my life it doesn't change what's already happened! I'm ready because I want to know what Heaven, what home really looks like. 

I'm not saying there aren't things I could do here - I'm just saying if it happens - I'm ready. 

Call me crazy. :p I don't care.

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poetry

Maybe I'll fail in all my endeavours

Won't matter

If only I could sail a ship into your forever

I would be safe
I would be saved

But you & I
We're like forbidden treasure.

The sea's waves rock me
I pledged my heart to find you
You searched into the blue
But only half heartedly

Perhaps I'll always fail in this endeavour.
We both say nothing here remains forever...

I'll let the sea have me
Foamy white dreaming
I'll enjoy the memory
Of you & I & our trying. 

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Written yesterday - Blogged today.

I feel like I need to update yet I really don't have much I want to say...

I'm sure some of you can relate to this but maybe some of you can't.  We'll see ...
I just sometimes *hate (for lack of better word) who God made me to be. Today,  it really was a icky day all around.  Some things went wrong and also I was just dealing with some stuff emotionally.  I just thought to myself "God, why do I have to be me! I hate me! And all that goes along with being me!"
I know it sounds horrible but I think if we're honest, we've all had these icky thoughts. And another thought "God why am I me, what do you want me to do? Why did you make me me? What purpose do I serve!?"

So this was a part of my day. Not a big part but perhaps a part you can relate to.

Thankful God knows me and can always pull me out of the depths and into His very secure arms. Without them my existence would be more than insignificant. 

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Thought Purge

Sometimes I think to myself, "will this person ever change?'" And then I look at myself & my own life and remember it is possible.  Change can happen. Perhaps the more appropriate question is "when will this person change?"

I come to the conclusion that people only change when they truly want to change. They change at first for themselves only because it's what's best in that period of time. Then, if they grow & develop they learn that the changing isn't even of themselves. It's of something(One) greater and they change not only for themselves but for the cause of Christ and love for others.

When real change takes place, it roots itself into us and starts a growth that's so in depth and irreversible.  A chain reaction - a domino effect. The roots grow as you grow and it's a beautiful thing. You become a much brighter, more strong tree planted and your roots- they don't stop digging deep into the earth for more room- more growth. When you finally become the tall, strong and durable tree that all of the growth has produced, you're able to endure the wind, rain and just the storms in general better. You are better equipped.  You're more healthy. 

I want this so very much for some. My heart burns for it and my soul cries out - Father, please make their time now! Please help them to desire real change- to pursue growth and to become well rooted so that they may stand tall & know that they are able to weather the storms that come. That they will know that they have strength to overcome the mighty winds that sometimes try to blow us down and that they'll come to understand just how healthy it is to be rooted, deep into solid ground.  Not by our own doing but by the planter Himself because He deeply cares to grow us and root us into Him- Rock solid and trusting foundation. 

Lots of praying over different things lately. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, sometimes it's difficult to write out my heart/thoughts. :)
Love you all.

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always learning

I think today I just have a case of the "blues."

Too much time on my hands to think on things that I've been avoiding thinking about.

You know that saying "distance makes the heart grow founder?" Well if you didn't know yet- its a lie!

I was thinking about relationships to start with, because I have a few friends that have kind of faded away over time & some friends now that are just because life seems to be busy.

After I started feeling sad - I started to realize that my heart was kind of drifting away, becoming more distanced with God & the more I allowed myself to be sad/cry because of things that are out of my control,
I realized- distance doesn't make the heart grow founder ESPECIALLY when it's your relationship with God! Please remember - the further you distance yourself/your heart from God the quicker you become angry, dissatisfied,  bitter, upset and etc with God & others!

Don't distance from God for any reason. It's not going to help your relationship at all. It'll just make everything worse!

The more that I allow myself to think negatively - that distances my heart from God. The more I allow feelings of hopelessness or despair - that distances my heart from God. The more I want to or wish to control situations or my life- that distances my heart from God.

I think you get the idea.

I feel better now.
Thankful to God & am thankful for His sly reminders. He's so genius.

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Honesty & Respect

I'm noticing lately that the value of certain traits diminish over time. As generations change & time passes, character traits such as respect & honesty become less important.
I'm sure I'm not the only individual who understands this or has complaint in regards to it either.

In the struggle to teach my own kids how important it is to value such things I see that it's not something that you just teach in word- it's something you live out and model in every day life for them. How I react toward my husband, or even them as children, and also how I act/react in my other relationships as well! It also goes hand in hand with many Biblical principles as well and if we're teaching our children the truth without living it out- we're going to fail in teaching them.

The Bible calls us not only to love our brothers & sisters in Christ but also our neighbors & enemies too! We are to be uplifting, always speaking the truth in love. We are to be encouraging and joyful, slow to anger and patient. When we are rebuking we are to extend grace & show mercy, always compassionate in our responses. There is so much to look at and model in our lives that comes from the word! Not once does it teach dishonesty or disrespect!

It's a lot folks & I often fail hard but does that mean we just chuck the best out the window because it's too hard? Not by any means!

If you mess up in this area - apologize and keep trying! These values are important and they must be passed on because if they aren't we're going to lose them completely! So many people today make excuses for themselves & their children and it's sad to me. If we aren't telling the truth and being respectful are we really keeping the standard of truth? Are we really living for Christ? I'm not too sure anymore...

This has been a challenge for me. When someone disrespects me I usually respond without compassion and in a very negative sort of fashion.  I've had to apologize a few times recently because of it. I'm willing to keep trying though because I want my children to know respect and honesty!

That's all for today! Join me in prayer for the generations that are arising to adulthood but also pray for the generation that is modeling these values for them!

Love ya guys!

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Just stuff

I feel like it's been a bit since I've posted and I'm not even really sure I'm ready to post now.

 I do want to say that God has been doing some amazing things not only in my life, but in many lives that surround me! In the greatness and changing, the growing and stretching it's almost as if it's a battle between excitement and exhaustion. If we're all being honest sometimes the growing hurts! Growing into Christ likeness isn't easy but it's when you get to the end of the certain struggle and bask in the freedom  - you gain the joy & happiness from the effort and struggle! I think that makes sense and if not - I'm sorry :)

I'm excited for all that is happening and for that which is to come! Holding on tight and giving God the green light - the go to do whatever He wants in my life. I'm seeing it in others lives as well. So stinkin' cool!


Working on compassion in my response to others.
Working on being a more constant speaker of truth.
Working on reaching out more even when it isn't comfortable.
Working on loving more & harder than ever before.

Just working on showing Jesus more.....


That's all for now .... This blog may start to get a little intense - I'm learning a lot and noticing more so I may need to stop in and just get some of it out!

Love y'all! Much!

Just my heart

I think it's more than amazing when you're going through life and you have worries or concerns, but in those you decide to make an unnatural decision to trust Someone greater than you to do things you can't and see such awesome plans play out. It's not even so much that these plans are of great significance, it could be anything! What's awesome is seeing the Who work it out and how He works it out.

It's as if in your faith & trust in Him your heart actually grows. The more He grows in you, the bigger your faith is- the more room you have in your heart for Him. Folks, I don't know about you but I think that's a pretty cool thought! I'm just worried about unnatural love/heart combustion!  ;)

The more I see of Him- the more I want. The more I want, the more I want others to want it. The more I know - the more I want to show...

So I have to challenge myself on the whole worry thing because I would say it's my greatest issue - why when He is so gracious enough to show me His amazing plans and why when He's so giving to allow me to be a part of those plans... Why when He provides & cares and why when I know He loves me do I worry so darn much!??? :) I am so done. I'm just going to sit back, take part & enjoy all the things He does.

The things He shows me are so freaking cool.

<3 <3 u people

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Grace Given

A lot of Christian's talk about the sovereignty of God & about the amazing grace He shows to us as His children.

I'm quite sure that everyone can agree that we'll never really understand just how great He is in His grace. How intricate and complex the gift of grace is, how much grace He in reality extends and how often.

Recently I had one very ginormous problem & not really a problem that I could even solve right away or make go away. The failure on my part even though I may have been doing the best that I could caused a massive dilemma that will only be resolved over time. However, in the midst of this trial A conversation took place where I was able to see that I had been extended grace in a very huge way. In such a way that you're just dumbfounded by the greatness of it, but also, in awe of the grace you realize how heart wrenching it is that the grace had to be extended in the first place. You feel your heart squeeze tight because it hurts that you caused someone else to work - put in extra effort to be patient,  supportive, loving and forgiving. You feel tears well up in your eyes because you didn't realize how significant the issue was or all of the little details that made the issue at last unbearable.

Don't think I'm overlooking the fact that God will work in the situation and in time all will be well again- a long time but it will get there. I fully intend to do everything I can to get it there at least.

I believe this is partially how it is with God. On our side- we don't see how significant our sin is and just how much grace God is in reality giving. We don't see that He will continue to give us grace on an every day basis because God's patience never wears thin. We fail and He allows us to fail so that He can teach/grow us and show us how great He is in being able to continually forgive us of our flaws.

The situation that I'm in currently made me realize - grace is huge. A gift that maybe I'm not that great at giving or perhaps I just needed to understand better what His grace looks like.

If a mere human could show that kind of grace & extend that sort of love- just imagine what His grace looks like.

Amazing. That's the only picture I can come up with. I guess maybe that's why there is a hymn called "Amazing Grace" eh?

Love to you cool people <3 xo

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Irony

Why is it that with when something really great happens- something really horrible happens as well?

I can't really do this. I can't handle this all by myself.  I'm tired of trying to keep up.

Everything inside is screaming at me to trust Him and to be patient,  endure it.

This is one of those things - I have to handle. Its not something that can just be let go of & waited on to see what happens. Nope it falls on me. I get to figure it out & I've pretty much been sucking it up. I don't know what to do.

Just. Praying. A lot.

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Shed tears

I think the act of shedding tears is so vital when you're going through something emotionally. It could be anything - stress, pressure, sadness, tears of joy or happiness, being overwhelmed, loss and much more.

I once read that when you release your emotion in such a way, it gives God an open welcome to come in and really do some healing work. We don't realize how much we hold in & it's almost as if we're pushed to, trained to do so... When we finally cave and allow ourselves to feel it, I truly believe that is when real healing can begin. Well part of the way. The letting God in part to do all of His miraculous bandaging is the real big part!

I know I always feel better after a good cry, and basically screaming or whaling out to Him for strength,  guidance,  endurance and sometimes just because I need someone. 

Glad He is always there. Always willing to listen.

Today is one of these days. I just want to release. I wish people would stop viewing it as such a negative thing.

If you haven't cried lately or cried and cried out to Him- I urge you to give it a whirl.

:) I know I am later

Love to all you people I love. <3

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Today

I'm taking time to do two things: 1)Examine myself & where I'm at, and also where God is taking me & 2) Enjoying the things that make me smile.

So far today I thoroughly enjoyed learning the Word in Church, talking theology, and lastly but not related at all- kisses on the neck. Lol ...

Thankful for A God who is able to do more than I can even imagine. I really need Him. Can't really seem to do much of anything on my own. Thankful for a God who cares to do and do more, Who forgives and forgives more and loves and loves more. Haha

Yea. If you're looking for something that is out of this world- find Him. Find God. He is all that anyone needs.

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Something I love...

I love when someone writes to you, no I'm not referring to email but an actual letter or poem. If you're anything like me, you keep them and store them away so you'll always have them. I love going back and just re-reading those! It makes me smile but also makes me remember such sweet & fond memories.
Thankful for the people who still write with actual pen & paper. :) <3

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Lately

It seems as though I've just been swallowed up & consumed with: sadness, questions, confusion, doubts, feelings of hopelessness and a lot of other things. Usually this would be because I've allowed the world to get me down or in my head. Lately though it isn't the world it's the people who call themselves Christian, and this is including me.
Why do we allow ourselves to compromise?  Allow ourselves to be OK with sin? Why do we pick and choose which of God's laws we are going to follow? Why don't we follow them all? If we believe God wants our best and that is Him and His word than why aren't we trying harder to actually live to that standard?  I see more and more people giving in to sin, allowing it in certain areas of their life because it makes them feel good or better (so they think at the time.) I see people choosing other people over God. I see kids hurting be because their parents are making sinful choices. And it just seems to get worse. All my mind can ask is why? Why don't we care more about this amazing love that He has for us? Why aren't we trying harder? 

Am I compromising?  Can I try harder?  What can I do to help my brothers and sisters? Will I lose another over speaking the truth?

Yea. That's all for now.

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just my opinion

Sometimes I just wish I knew what was going on in people's minds.



I want the best for the people I love and I will never cease to speak the truth to those who have a place in my heart.

Sin ruins lives, destroys homes, and reaps consequences that are negative... Why would I tell you then that it's ok to go ahead on in your sin? I wouldn't and won't ever.

Choose to love or hate me for that- but this will never change about me.



People have been rough lately and I'm not walking away from anyone still.

I think its quite funny that what at one time someone really respected you for - all of a sudden its not respectable now... Hmm

Something doesn't sound right.

Kinda goes back to that pick and choose what i love about you point of view...

Yea- Really Not Love. . .

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musings from the heart

It's funny to me how usually people only love parts of you or perhaps one side of you. And usually it's the side that suits them best.. It's funny that people pick and choose what parts of you they want to love ... Or is it? Nah- not really....

You're unkind, say stupid things, & are awkward during conversations. You lie, cheat, commit sin in your thoughts but may never act on them, you say hurtful things and are negative. You complain and gripe, start trouble and are selfish...

Guess what? I do as well....

I'm a sinner made saint by His blood- neither one changes. I'm always going to be a sinner and so are you. Love me or hate me- take it or leave it. But get it straight- I'm no better than you & you are definitely no better than me.

We are commanded to love, restore and build up. Why is this so hard?

If you really pay attention: people who are hurting other people are often hurting inside themselves!

So maybe we could try and help instead... Somehow... Prayer is usually a good place to start..

Anyways- Randoms from the heart. Sorry! ;)

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An adventure

So this past Saturday I had a photoshoot.... The planned destination was Marquette Park in Miller. I have taken pictures there before and it turned out really well.... As I arrived at the park that day I noticed everything fenced off and "under construction!" As you can imagine - not good for a planned photoshoot and a photographer who has limited days to work with. Anyways - I sat in my car and prayed because I honestly didn't know how this was going to turn out or what we were going to do! I called her before I did and she wanted to still walk the grounds - She hadn't quite gotten there yet so she wasn't seeing what I was! When she got there she wanted pictures on the beach, so we walked down, did those and then we decided to walk the park.

There was one building that we both had noticed on the way in - It was still under a bit of construction, with grass being grown and the inside was closed. As we approached we noticed some "caution- do not enter" tape and decided we would do exactly the opposite of that I guess... Breaking a rule probably isn't the best way to do something but - Well, we live and we learn. So we walk to the back of the building and it is BEAUTIFUL! There were stairs, the brick was beautiful, pillars in the front, a rock thing that I used as a backround in one of the pictures and beautiful bridges that went over some of the water areas. So of course we had a hayday! We went and walked all over, took our pictures and laughed a lot too! Her mom and grandma had gotten distracted with a phone call and were looking for us - this is where we ran into the security guard. He didn't yell at us for being back there just asked if there were people who could be looking for us! So they found us and then the model needed to do a change of clothes. I decided that since I was having such good luck? already that we should try the doors on the back of the building.... She tried three of them and none of them were open but of course the one I try - it's open... Score! She runs in and behold a bathroom right inside! Her grandma also goes in and decides to use the restroom and we all laughed because it didn't have a door. The only thing that struck me was the fact that I heard "beep.... beep..... beep..... beep....beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeppppppppppp!!!" An alarm! Fantastic! The security guard comes rushing around the side and tells us we aren't supposed to be in there and of course we are yelling at the girl to hurry and come out- and apologizing....

We didn't get into any trouble - We finished up the shoot and had a blast doing so. We did the pillars in front and then walked back to the beach! When I left I noticed Gary Police cars at every enterance of that building - they weren't letting anyone back there again that's for sure....


I told my husband that the whole thing had to be orchestrated by God - because I don't have that great of luck. He wasn't so sure because there was some bend of the rule in there.... All I know is that it was by far the best photoshoot I've ever been on, the most fun and that it could've fallen apart but it didn't and I remember praying that it wouldn't.

Cool and God or not - Which I still believe it was - Was such a good time. Oh and to top it all off - I was able to tell the girl that I prayed about it because I honestly wasn't sure what was going to come of the day and that my prayer was indeed answer. Another win.

I typed this fast and am probably missing a few parts and there may be some misspelled words in there or whatever. Lol

A little of what's goin on in my pretty little head! :p

Lately....
I notice more & more every day how much I allow my feelings to rule over me. It happens more often than I'd like that's for sure. It should be the exact opposite. No emotion/or feeling should have complete power over me - God should have that spot. He should be the one controlling my life, thoughts and decisions. I'm so human though and often I give into whatever may be the cause of my momentary insanity and allow them to make me think, do and say or make choices that aren't at all what God would've had me to think, do, say or decide!

Life is so cruel - I feel like such a woman sometimes... Ha! Seriously though they had it right about us women. We feel too much junk (emotion) and that takes away from the Spirit leading feeling! I tend to like that one MUCH better! The Spirit and I- when I cooperate we get along very well!

Striving to be dependent upon Him and interdependent in my other relationships because that's how it should be! He designed us to rely on Him completely and I'm still trying to get there! Learning so much lately and just thankful that He is patient in His guiding and teaching!

That's all :) Love you all!

sit with me.

Would you sit with me tonight?

I want to

I just want to see

How the moonlight looks against your skin

I wonder if it’s as beautiful

As beautiful as the heart that I see

The heart that’s on your sleeve

Would you sit with me tonight?

I want to

I just want to touch

Your cheek, like the moonlight it touches your cheek

So beautifully, I want to feel your beauty

I just want to see how the moonlight looks against your skin

I wonder if it’d be as beautiful as the heart that I see

The heart that’s on your sleeve, for me it’s always on your sleeve

Would you sit with me tonight?

I just want to

I just want to see

Would you look like the angel that you always seem to be

Pale skinned, subtle eyes, glistening. You sitting with me would

Would make me feel free, us two sitting sweetly…

Sit with me tonight, but just for a little while

In the moonlight we can sit.

just my thoughts :)

Today I started a new book that was lended to me by a dear friend. It's not really a devotional book persay but rather a book of testimonies about women who went through various trials/struggles and how they were brought back to the Lord from those trials/struggles.

It just had me thinking; I'm so incredibly thankful and grateful for all of that which God has brought me through. It seems as though my story pales in comparison to some of the ones in this book and I think when you have a really traumatic story it's cool to read how other people made it through even more traumatic events in the same way, really the only way there is- through Him.

In one of the stories - a girl who had been raped and of course I can relate because I have been molested, but anyways she ended up getting into all sorts of stuff such as: satanism, new age religion and just other things that completely ruined her life for a long time. At one point in the book she claims to have actually heard satan speaking to her! How insane is that, but honestly I can believe that it happened... Satan whispering thoughts that were actually orders: kill yourself and kill your family as well.... You'll never get out of this and you'll always be the same. You're never going to change....

If you have made it through something like rape/molestation you know how easy it is to swallow these lies and she did- she attempted suicide on more than one occasion. It's so sad to me because if you know the truth you know that it's the exact opposite of what God wants for you! It's so ironic though how mostly today -  this doesn't even have to be satan speaking to every day women - It's usually other people! Just recently I had someone that made me feel this way - And I pretty much almost let it destroy my entire day.

It's insane to me the extremes that we go to all because of pain and abuse. And now, in the world that we live in it happens so much more than ever before. It isn't a rare thing at all. Just in the past year I probably have met 4 women/young women that have been abused or molested. It's so sad but I also am thankful again because each of them know the truth, they know who Jesus is and how important it is to have a relationship with Christ. And they also know what Christ has said about them, the promise's that He has made for their lives and how much He loves them! That is my prayer for so many women who suffer - That they might come to know of these truths as well and that they might be revealed to just how true it really is....

Another thing that I was thinking of is how often we compromise.... We allow ourselves to feel worthless - I know I still do at times... Because of the way other people talk to or treat us. We give them this power and we allow Christ a backseat while we feel these emotions and have all of these horrid thoughts. What a dopey compromise! It's seriously one of our greatest downfalls! Another note of thankfulness: Christ still see's us in our human weaknesses and puts positive people in our lives, verses in our minds and often for me- songs of praise in our thoughts! Without these things I would probably be far worse than I am today.

I think it's amazing how God never compromise's... After watching day in and day out, of probably very repetitive, disasterous compromising decisions and situations - He never compromise's His truths, His promise's and His love. It's always there. I don't have to worry about it being in jeporady, it's never going to be taken away and I'm never going to lose any of it. He never makes decisions that are going to result in my downfall or anyone else's or that is going to cause destruction. He never makes selfish decisions and He ALWAYS keeps us in the forefront of His mind. We are never on the back burner, He wants us to do love Him, He wants us to succeed, to be ok and good, He wants us to have a bright future, He wants us to have hope and love! So very glad of that!

Not sure what the point of this blog was.... Just to say I guess that I'm thankful that I didn't have it any worse than I did, that I am thankful for what He has brought me out of and very thankful of where I'm at now ... Oh and that I'm thankful for the Him and the people who help keep me here!

He is pretty cool.

I'm done blabbering now :) Sorry I haven't been posting lately - Let's just say I have a lot of "unpublished blogs" that I'm praying about posting!
Love y'all!

Vent

I love when people try and bring you down. They use their words to try and cut you in half, to try and make you feel like less of a person, they may lie to you or lie to others about you and many other things that can be done to make you feel quite literally horrible.

The funny thing that I find about this one particular person is - They almost always harp on my Christianity but claim to be a believer themselves. I have a bad attitude so therefore I need to work on having a better "Christian attitude" - Wait a minute... Didn't you just smoke a j in your garage? Didn't you just call me dumb and stupid? Didn't you just try to get into the middle of my marriage and cause me to fight with my husband? Didn't you just tell me that I was going to destroy my children's lives? What exactly is "Christian" about any of that? The difference is - I'm not going to throw any of this in your face, like you do mine because I realize that yeah, I may have a bad attitude and need to work on it but I already am and know that. I know and realize that I'm not perfect but here is another difference - I'm actually trying to be MORE LIKE CHRIST - What are you doing? Here is a thought: Don't come knocking on my door, texting my phone and emailing my husband about ME when YOU & I don't even have ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP AT ALL... There is a reason I am not close to you - And I think everyone can see why from what I said up above. Here is another difference between you and I - I am going to be praying for you because I believe you really need some understanding - a bright and shining moment of clarity on what loving Christ really looks like. Being called to love my enemies is taking it to the T with you and clearly God is trying to teach me this.

You will not get in between my husband and I - Your remarks made are false and I will not let them get to me - End of Story - Stop trying.

Volcano

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IRvCpYXrrs

Thought Spill

Life is extremely busy lately and I'm not quite a fan of non-stop going but it's been ok. I'm such a fan of being home with my family. God has been doing some great things though and yesterday I had one of those moments - It just all kind of hits you.

You're driving in your car thinking of all life and it's little details and you realize - Everything is just as it should be. Life is the best it's ever been for you, you see all of the blessings and than have the unworthy feeling of knowing you don't deserve any of it. Yet somehow, God in His love for you wants you to have His joy, to succeed, to have a life abundant in Him and His riches and He is making that happen for you more and more every day. That is one cool moment folks. I'm so thankful and I don't have any doubts in life right now. I am where I should be, living where I'm supposed to be living, married to the man I'm supposed to be married to and raising the two precious little ones that God gave me. I'm striving to move into a closer relationship with Him, I am at an amazing Church and have an amazing position at that Church. I have the bestest friends ever, who I would most certainly do anything for and I am thankful for such amazing relationships! I feel like I have everything a person could ever want. My heart is so thankful and I'm just amazed at life and how it's turning out... God is faithful in His promises, I see it every day and I'm thankful that He chooses to show us and share with us when we're willing. I can't think of anything more amazing!

The Puppeteer

The Puppeteer

He is a gentle Man with hands soft and light as a feather
He moves swiftly, elegant in His pieces together
He may gently lift up your arms and so very delicately
He places them around someone else, a caress of comfort

I have no choice, no will of my own accord
I must do as He says, I must shadow Him and His beauty

He gently tugs the heart string, thump-bump slow and steady
He beats my heart for me and chooses to share what's inside
He pushes love outside of what is natural to me
He extends it to others and is unselfish in each new adventure

I have no desire to do what I want
Even if these strings were mine
I could not do as He does, it's too perfect
I must do as He says, I must shadow Him and His beauty

He moves my feet and guides them
His path is radiance and also quite intimidating
He gently nudges and is careful in His baby stepping me
He wants me to succeed, for His masterpiece would not be
Would not be complete if one of the strings were to be broken

I have no fear in what my Master does
I know that He must love me for He is very careful
I must do what He instructs
I will shadow His beauty

He lifts up my face so that I can see
I see all the sadness He is trying to free
He opens my ears so that I can hear
I hear all of His wonder, the time is drawing near
He moves me. My puppeteer - I love him, dearly.

The puppeteer's play is almost over
His work will be graceful
His work will be magnificent
In all it's grander, splendor devine
He sweetly instills his genius into me.
I am imbued with His Spirit
I am moved by His hands
I am touched by His inspiration


unfinished-

A song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj0GPyYz9Uo

A song....

Opened eyes

My head spins and the thoughts swirl around; Dizzy with what life has to offer, waiting for what comes next and trying to pick up the pieces from what has already passed.

Sometimes it's intoxicating and you feel drunk on joy but also often times it's exhausting. That's when you feel drained and like you can't quite get a grip on keeping your head above the water. Like a fishing bobber, you have one half in and one half out. You're just waitin' on that one thing to pull you under.... The drunk on joy part comes in when you realize ~ You always have someone there to reel you in.... Jesus

I took a look back, just a glance over my shoulder the other night though and I must say.... God is everything good and when He gently pulled His hands away from my eyes so that I could really see~ He blinded me with His magisterial greatness....

I have had some questions about the past and especially lately. I think He is trying to help me see, but not only help me see but understand. He opens His mind up, extends His love and allows me to see with Spiritual eyes things that He perhaps has tried to show me in the past and I just didn't care enough to look.

I'm not sure why after all this time has pased that I'm finally seeing what He tried to show me before.... After much time has passed ~ Nothing can be changed about the past. Nevertheless - It's still a very great lesson....

He wants me to be open to Him and all that He may have for me.... He wants my heart to be open to His signs and His plans because they aren't only His plans but they're also mine. The blueprints He has for my life, well they're pretty detailed and I really don't want to miss anything just because I didn't care enough to look, question or ask.

He will give me instructions, He will plant seeds in my heart so that I may plant them in other's hearts, He will give me things and He will also take things away.... He will show love and extend comfort, He'll allow me to struggle so that I may become stronger and will always want an eager, willing and changing heart to be engaged in all of these events.

Trying really hard lately to be in tune to Him. Seems as though if I'm not in tune to Him ~ I'm just out there, floating.

Don't be blind to Him.... Open your eyes and allow Him to show you something that will change your life forever! And then perhaps you can share it with someone else so that their life may be changed forever as well....

A poem.

 I would wash your feet....

If we were just starting out or coming to an end
If we were falling apart and hanging by a thread

I would wash your feet

if we were separated for a time & later reunited
if we were the last two people standing

I would wash your feet

if you went blind and words were not enough
if you needed love or sick and needed help

I would wash your feet

If you were lying on your death bed
If you were paralyzed and needed to be fed

I would wash your feet

If you were happy and in love
If you were sad, lost or lonely

I would wash your feet

If you had nothing to give back
If you were poor and living on a street

I would wash your feet


One day you will see ~ I love you more than you know and I would wash your feet.




\

Mirror, Mirror

One little thought, an idea that forms and that's spoken can be so mind consuming ....

- A mirror to show others what they look like to you.. And to see possibly even sometimes what you might look like to them.....

What do I look like to other people? What do they see?
Do they see what is most important to me? Do they see what takes home inside my heart?
Do they just see a pretty face or perhaps what only lays on the surface?

What do they see?

What do I show them?

What is most evident in my life?

lyrics

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

It's Him.

God has been teaching me some pretty amazing stuff.... It's amazing to me that just when you think you've finally grasped just how amazing He actually He is - He reveals Himself even more to you! On the real, I really don't deserve to have this amazing and most precious Creator who wants to share His life with me.... And yet somehow, every single day on some level, He always opens Himself up to me. He shares His love, He sings sweetly in my ear- a tune that my heart tends to automatically synchronize with and He always molds my heart and mind to what He needs it to be.... He provides, cares and is so unbelievably faithful in the two that when He does them for you - there really is no other option. You have to get on your knees and just praise Him. You absolutely have to give Him your full attention and bow your heart to Him in thankfulness ....

I yearn for more and I crave His truth... My heart and mind cannot accept anything less. I want His love, care and provision. I want His rebuking, correction and teaching.... I need it and I live for it.... I am quite literally nothng without Him and His precious love.

I love my God and if you don't know Him - I really hope that you find Him. For life is futile without Him.

A song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KTCvGyAg_o

I know, I know.... It's Taylor Swift, but this song just gets me. Ahhh.........................

It's the little things (:

I love that God made me the type of girl that's thankful for the "little things".... He's always inspired me to make the "little things" -  the "bigger things."

I am thankful for today because all of the "little things" made my day pretty much perfect. I'll never take simple and little things for granted, not ever.... Walking normally and pain free, good conversation, a smile or a laugh, pretty eyes, deep breaths, fresh air, hugs, my children's laughs and so much more...

I don't ever need anything big and shiny to get my attention ... I just need the little things.

Thank you, Jesus .... Thank you for the little things. <3

God's goodness.

I once heard someone say that they weren't the worst of sinners. And the more I think on that statement the more I want to know what that even means? If we are all sinners and then being that all sin is well - sin and breaking God's law, wouldn't that mean that - We actually all are the "worst" of sinners?

You see the way that I think and the way that I believe is that - I am actually nothing good at all but that because God is good, He saved me and THAT is what makes me good. It's not anything I do, or the fact that I chose to believe, or even have faith - It's that God chose me, saved me and continues to extend grace and love to me despite myself every single day. And then I still even have a hard time thinking that I'm "good."

Nothing I do will ever make me the worst or best of sinners - I don't believe there is a worst or best of sinners - We are all sinners, when you break the law, it's broken. It doesn't matter how you broke the law, it's the simple fact that you did break it. And obviously we all break the law... We all break His laws!

I'm so extremely thankful that God is indeed GOOD and chose to extend His goodness to me. I'm so thankful that because He is good and loves us, that He made me good. He clothed me in His righteousness and that's how He views me now. Not because of what I DO but because of all that He did when He put His son on that Cross.
Amazing. He is so amazing....


James 2:9-11
⁹ But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. ¹⁰ For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. ¹¹ For he who said, “You shall not commit adultery,” also said, “You shall not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.

His eyes, he's dying inside.

I can't look at him for too long,
what I see in his eyes...
A painful mixture of fire and ice,
for it is nothing pleasant and far from nice.
A man who is burning within
seems as though someone may have reached in
Sucked the life right out of him.
But not even that, much worse, no
Must've been that someone
They reached in and stole his heart away from him
Without your heart, your heart being life
You can't keep up for long
You try to be strong, to just carry on
Eventually though, your eyes give you away
They show everyone that you're dying inside

I can't look at him for too long
What I see in his eyes....
He's dying inside.





unfinished.

marital bliss.

Something hit me today that just made me smile....

I was out with my grandma today and after having spent the weekend with my family for Easter, she made mention of something that my grandfather said in regards to my husband and I. That we looked good together and that we would be together until we were 90. That is just something that kinda makes my heart melt into a big gush puddle....

I'm so thankful that people can look at us together and see that. A few years back my husband and I struggled together so very much but it just proves that making it through all of that - We really do have something. Something that will always be worth fighting for.

I am thankful for my husband tonight. I am 100% positive that he is the only man for me and the only man that could survive me! Haha... I'm so insane sometimes, I'm not interested in what he's interested in, I don't listen all the time, I struggle with house and kids, I have a lot of issues and even though I do have some issues - He is such a man, such a very good man to work together with me to just be a team, to love me, trying always to provide as much as he can and just be a good dad. He has come so very far, we have come so very far, No - God has brought us so so very far!...

I'm thankful that I have him and I feel like I have been holding back on him - I'm done holding back. I want to love him with every ounce of me.
God gave me someone to entrust my life with, to build a life with and to make the best of that life. To love, live, fight, make-up, make fun of each other and to just be insane with - Cause lets face it - Life in itself is insane...

I'm just thankful that I have someone to be insane with.

Thank you God for blessing me with Cj.

poetry

Your delicate and beautiful soul caged up and forgotten
Like a prisoner on death row who's heart has gone rotten.

It tries to break through to a light amidst the dark
shining and true, would mean freedom for you.

You hold the lock but He holds the key
It's always you though, your own worst enemy.

Wall of protection, forcefield of fear
Will you ever let it crumble and allow yourself to feel?

Your soul so far away, so lost in space
people see you as just another face

He continues to wait for your acceptance
Wants to give you light and repentance.

unfinished

not motivated

I have so very much in my head and heart ~ I just don't have the motivation?
Usually I would be all over this blog but lately I just haven't felt it....
I'm sure it will all come pouring out eventually but for now- I may be quiet{er} for a bit.
Forgive me readers!

musings

stuck somewhere between the silence and the noise
because there's never really silence is there?

there's always you and that wonderful thing called a thought
it drowns out any possibility of quiet- any hope of peace

so -

stuck somewhere between the silence and the noise
perhaps it's just a whisper or an echo of brainwave activity

possibly just a sigh or a moan, noise that isn't quite noise
noise that's more a feeling or that doesn't quite require an open mouth

I've just been stuck

Somewhere between the silence and the noise
Because honestly, there's never really silence, is there?

poetry :)

Hiding

Hiding my heart that day
You reached for my hand
I snubbed it away

Cause I'm always hiding, hiding this heart away
It's always the same and such a shame
Don't waste your efforts for one more day

Hiding my heart that day
You reached for my hand
I snubbed it away

Cause I'm always hiding, I'll be hiding this heart away
It's always the same and such a shame
You'll keep trying and I'll see one of these days

You loved me, you really loved me
all of the time, your heart and soul mourned me
You loved me, you really did care
all of that time won't be wasted, next time I'd grab that hand and squeeze
Hopefully it won't be too late and you'll see
I loved you too all of that time but I was so afraid

So love, just know ....

I was just hiding my heart that day.

Be there for the ones you love.

I really don't know how I can express just how important it is for us, as followers of Christ to be available to others as they are going through trials and sufferings. It's so important and vital, but also Biblical to do so. It doesn't matter how close you may be to the situation, if you're hurting because of the situation. It's so very important to understand from each other that we are all humans who are so very flawed and sinful. Not one is better than another and all sin is equal in the eyes of God. Even if all sin weren't equal - it wouldn't matter because if you have Jesus, your sin has been covered by His precious blood! Lately - the past couple days, my direct family is very close to a situation that is going on and it's so very crucial right now to just be available, to pray and to be open to what God is going to do. God knows and see's all of that which is happening and no matter who is right/wrong or who did what to who - All parties we are called to love and forgive. You may not understand it or what is happening and why, but you don't have to- to do what is Biblically right.
There is none righteous - No not one.

I really wish people could get this - WE ALL SIN AND WE ALL SUFFER- ALL OF THE TIME.... NO ONE IS EXEMPT - Only Jesus was.

Respect

It's always been a mystery to me why people can't just accept the way that you feel and try to understand it. Instead we as people tend to tell each other how to feel or that what we are feeling must be incorrect... I hate that - I think it's one of my biggest pet peeves.
When I'm feeling sad about something and I come to you, I really don't want you to tell me that I have no reason to feel the way I do. That isn't your call to make and frankly it's going to leave me not wanting to come to you anymore at all.
I understand that in some situations an encouraging word to say "hey, don't let this keep on getting you down, or etc." Something like that is taken to heart, way more appropriate and probably accepted better as well.
On the other hand - If you're just going to get nasty and possibly even raise your voice to prove your "right" in your point that I shouldn't feel the way I feel - that isn't going to get you anywhere.

One word: Validate.
One word: Care
One word: Respect
One word: Love

I hope that I never do this to anyone. Unless you're sinning in your emotion, there is nothing wrong with feeling SOMETHING. Afterall the Bible does say there is time for everything (Ecc3.)

Ok - That is all now ...

Hannah

I was reading Hannah's story today and about her desire to have a son (1Sam.) I found great comfort in her story just because it's always really cool to see how even in the most hopeless of situations, God is still ever present and willing to aid in our troubles- IF we are faithful & come to Him in our times of distress. It's also always cool to see how God answers the prayers of those who are faithful.

There is always hope, prayer, answered prayer and a faithful God waiting to be glorified through it all.

Jesus is the best example!

Matthew 26:36-39

36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”
39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”


This was one of the three passages in our Sunday School book yesterday and it was one that kind of hit home for me...  

Jesus was a man and it's stated throughout the Bible that because He was man, that he suffered as man did, in the area of being tempted/struggling but since He was part God too - He never did actually sin. That was part of His covenant with God, He would live a sinless life and die a gruesome death all so that He could save the lives of millions later. Obviously that is the most precious part to us as christians, the part in where we are most thankful and spend the most time dwelling- His death on the Cross....

Lately I've been in what seems like a constant struggle. All of the time not really knowing exactly why I was struggling so much, but knowing that since I'm so uber human and really seeking God in my struggle that in time it would be revealed. I won't share because it honestly isn't that important to share - I'm not commiting murder or anything :) Just something that I guess God really needed me to get and so I finally have, ... I think.

I find myself really thinking more about Jesus. Not only His struggle of death on the Cross but His EVERYDAY struggle to be perfect. He was man and felt what being tempted felt like, He was at times both weak and tired, no doubt exhausted from the dealings of it all. The passage above says that He was distressed and sorrowful, but at the end it says pretty much that He still wanted God's will even if that did mean struggle. In His struggle here - He still was not sinning.

Could you imagine spending EVERY single day like this? He was born as a babe just like the rest of us and grew into an adult just as we all do... It's more than amazing, it's enough to make you look at your life and say - What do I do in my struggle? Do I whine and complain? Do I sin? Do I seek God's will still or plea for my own? Do I obey when He commands me to go a certain way or do I walk my own way and receive consequence later? Do I bring others down because I'm suffering and bring them to suffer too?
What do we do when we struggle? I can say that when I'm struggling - I'm a pretty miserable person... I don't count it all joy, and even though I may seek God out in my struggle, I pretty much still feel selfish while I'm doing it. Honestly, I have to think to myself - what exactly is my motive for calling out to God in my time of need? Is it so that my struggle will just disappear and I won't have to deal with it anymore or is it because I reallllly want to learn what He has and am willing to struggle for it a little so that He may make me stronger/our bond/relationship stronger as well?


Jesus is an amazing example - So un-selfish, worthy, perfect, loving and all endurance to a T. Follow His example -

Learn what God may have for you to learn and don't be selfish in it. Truly seek out what God is trying to teach you and accept whatever He has for you at that time - Even if it does mean struggling to get there. It's not a sin to suffer for the sake of righteousness... Being weak and tired aren't sins and neither is the struggle in itself- its what you do in it, with it and during/after it....
 

To: My Dear .....

If I could give you a hug and tell you how much I miss you ~ I would.... If I could let you know that no matter what I'll always be here, praying and that I'll always love you ~ I would... If I could just sit beside you for a moment in a way that would say, you're not alone~ I would.... If I could be there like I was before ~ I would...

It doesn't really matter how much time passes or if we don't get to see each other ever ~ the fact is that when you learn to really love someone with all your heart that never goes away because love isn't just a feeling, it's a committment .... I commit to love you because you deserve to be loved. I got to know you and your heart, both of these things are beautiful.

I want the very best for you though and right now it seems as though ~ God has a plan and the best thing is for me not to be in your life. Although this is very sad to both of us it doesn't change the fact that He has all the answers we need. We just need to be patient and trust that His will be done.

Praying for you always ~ love you always!

Time use

My mind is really quite blank and drab today! I keep getting lost in thought- I'm a dreamer what can I say? :)

I do have this ~ I'm going to start note carding Scripture and it's probably going to start taking over my house... I feel like I know a lot of Scripture and then I think about how much is actually in the Bible! I realize I truly don't know enough. So this shall be starting soon.

I'm amazed at how overwhelming we allow life to be and yes; I do believe it is an allowance of our energies,time and feelings. Our days come and are gone, our lives here on earth are like shadows. I don't want to look back and think, wow all of that time gone and it was all so gruesome and tiring. I want to look back and think that I did something worth the time He's given. And of course if we are going to get all Biblical ~ Hiding God's word in our hearts is a pretty good way to do this! ;)

I can think of a million things that will happen today, but what I want to know is - which of these things and memories am I going to remember in a year?

I'll give you one fun one from my day at the end of the night.

musings/poetry

You didn't know it but when you walked by I stuck a piece of my heart into your back pocket... The problem you see is that now you keep sitting on it. I wish you would've known that I gave this piece of my heart to you because when you sit on it, it hurts just a little. It doesn't really matter though because it's your piece now and I don't want it back. You can carry it with you for now and into eternity, because even though sometimes you sit on it and it hurts ~ It's worth it. You seem to really deserve this piece and so it shall be yours ~ forever.

just whatever

So I'm run/walking a longer distance now, running intervals of 3 minutes and 1 1/2 minutes - You take turns with walking and running on each of these times, etc... I usually don't go this far in distance- normally do 1 1/2 miles but if I'm wanting to run a 3k in May ~ I guess I just wanna try and push myself a little harder. It wasn't too bad and I don't feel too bad right now. I suppose we shall see how I feel in the am!

Lessons from today:
God is cool and so is His word - I'm reading Job and Galatians - Also Psalms 107 is amazing.
I stink at making cookies.
I need to keep my mouth closed.
I need to take my lil men to the park more often and fly kites, roll down hills and who knows what else.. It was awesome. They are both amazing.
I need to eat avocado on my sandwiches more often.
I'm a sucker for the people I love.
I'm pretty much in love with Jon Foreman and his solo music.... Fyi ~ There is a river in my eyes.

This may hurt- just a little

God is teaching me:
I thought for the most part - I was doing great in life, believing that my walk with Christ is pretty strong and that I do a pretty good job at just being in relationship with Him. I think I was very wrong. He is indeed my Father and Friend - but what kind of friend am I? He was willing to give His only son in sacrifice for me and to save a wretched, horrible person like me. He gave me eternity. If I had to give up one of my children -  I could probably easily think - Wow, I could probably give anything up for Him ....
I can't say that though - I think and truly believe that God is trying to get me to that point. What am I willing to give up for Him? Anything? Is He really everything I say He is- everything that the word says He is and I believe He is? And if He is then why can't I let go of a few things for Him if He asks?
Will I when the time comes or maybe the time is now and He is just waiting and breaking until it's done.

Praying, seeking and learning. This may hurt, just a little... Or A lot.

when the heart hurts ~

Even when our hearts are broken- God is still working. Perhaps it's when He is working His strongest of works in our lives.

Lord,
Please help me on this rough road called life. For I know that you are strength and endurance and in You I will and can accomplish every work that You might have for me to accomplish. Please I beg, help me to focus on the unseen and meditate on what is eternal. Lord, I know that your plans are perfect and that you set out my path even before my first heart beat. I praise you for strategically planning every event in my life so that these events might bring me closer to You. Thank you for knowing that I'm a sinful woman, horribly human and flawed and for having patience and mercy. Allow me to draw near to you in my struggle against the world and flesh, help me to always seek out the right way and accept truth. I praise you because I believe You are it, You are life - My life. You are Creator and Redeemer - You are Love and Forgivness. Thank you for hearing my prayers for I know that you are the Only One that can answer. I pray in Jesus name - Amen

music ~

http://youtu.be/301S7NgAkLs

This song is pretty amazing ~ Have a listen and close your eyes while you do!

Pursuit of Happiness

The world is full of hopeless souls. They're searching for something to fill their nothing. They want to be cared for, loved, wanted and needed. They want to be valued and they need to matter. To someone or something- often times it seems like they'll do anything.

They taste human love and touch human lust, it feels good and they want to hold unto it. However, since our human love is so flawed, our lust/want/need for something/someone specific is often very temporary, we have to venture on to someone/something new, perhaps the hobby that you so loved before doesn't fit in with your lifestyle anymore or fulfill your desire to be a part of something and so you have to pour yourself into something new. Maybe that relationship that you had where you were so in love before isn't quite working out now... Now you feel it's time to move on because it's obviously not you that has the issues...And really...

 None of these ever filling what really needs filling. It's amazing that after several failed attempts at temporary/worldly happiness, you keep on trying for that same goal. Never really raising the standard, even if a few alterations are made- in the end you're still searching for the same thing....
How exhausting.... Took me years to learn this one on my own & I'm sure everyone is different but I am so glad I finally got it. Even if I do need reminders every now & again... :)

 

I don't need any of this temporal happiness, I don't need to seek the world and it's "fulfilling" stuff.... Because it's honestly not very fulfilling at all anyways... I don't need to have some person to put my hope in, and I don't need someone else to know for myself that I am worth something... Why would I give someone that right anyways? I don't need someone to make me feel loved, all warm and fuzzy.... Even if it does feel nice -  even that feeling doesn't last very long....
What I do need - I need Christ to be my center. I need to know and remember that I am always worth something, because that's why He created me.... I need to know that I have love, in the most pure form. I need to serve Him, because that alone gives happiness, joy and peace.... And it's the truest and purest form of those three things I have ever felt...

Deep down I believe this is what all people are truly searching for and maybe they just don't know it. That void that often times seems a relentless pursuit to fill can be filled in an instant. Your heart can be mended and the search can end. He really is love, peace and joy. I pray that more people can find the right filler, the ONLY filler there is that's really going to fill and even OVER FILL to OVERFLOWING! He is it, Jesus is it.

I just need Him... All of the other stuff He blesses me with - those, well, those are just bonus's...

In Job

Job 5: 8-20
However, if I were you, I would appeal to God and would present my case to Him.
He does great and unsearchable things, wonders without number.
He gives rain to the earth and sends water to the fields.
He sets the lowly on high, and mourners are lifted to safety.
He frustrates the schemes of the crafty so that they achieve no success.
He traps the wise in their craftiness so that the plans of the deceptive are quickly but to an end.
They encounter darkness by day, and they grope at noon as if it were night.
He saves the needy from their sharp swords and from the clutches of the powerful.
So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.
See how happy the man is God corrects; so do not reject the discipline of the Almighty.
For He crushes but also binds up; He strikes, but His hands also heal.
He will rescue you from six calamities; no harm will touch you in seven.
In famine He will redeem you from death, and in battle, from the power of sword....


(Eliphaz; in first response to Job.)


What an amazing outlook on who God is and how He works.

focus

It's all about your priorities/ responsibilities and when those aren't in alignment you should be prepared to stumble/fall flat on your face, question life and things, doubt your faith maybe even and who knows what else.
Keep it straight and focus on what is most important. The Bible has a pretty clear idea of what/who comes first -> Him, and then spouse, family and then everything/one else.

Just a nice reminder. I think I've been falling short in this area lately. Lesson learned. Besides no matter the amount of stuff you have to do if it isn't what God needs from you that day - you're basically doing it for nothing and etc.

pish posh

Not to sure if this blog will have a point. I guess I just feel the need to write. :)

This week has been kind of interesting already and it's only Tuesday night, but I suppose that is just how life seems to go these days. Yesterday was a not so hot day just in the area of - God breaking me down and then putting me back together in the way He wants kinda day. I always love the end result of this process, don't get me wrong but man the during seems brutal. The next day which would be today is always better and so it was. I felt more connected, refreshed and just more intimate with Him. I'm not quite sure how other people work, but I am thankful for how He has made me in the fact that I don't mind feeling the conviction or the rearranging of attitudes/dispositions or etc. I actually much prefer that I did feel this process because if I didn't I'm not too sure I would be positive He was actually present in my life. Not sure if this even makes sense! :)

The way I feel now though is that - I'm supposed to be getting somewhere or doing something, perhaps there is something on the horizon (which as of late seems to steal the show) - So of course because I am such an impatient little creature, it seems I am always looking for what exactly that could be. Honestly though I'm not too sure if I should be looking... Maybe and maybe not. God is going to do something amazing, will I be able to see it for what it's worth though? I hope so. Seems like there is always a loss that comes with a win though. I wonder how He feels when He loses a soul? I know He must feel brokenhearted and then I wonder - what exactly does a perfect King's broken heart feel like? If my imperfect puny little heart could be crushed and hurt so badly and His, well His is perfect... I couldn't even imagine what it feels like when His heart breaks. We must work harder to save souls because I sure don't want my precious God's heart to break. Him and His love - it's most incredible.

I think it is time to sleep.
If anyone reads this - I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense to you! Hahaha........

A prayer/poem about Him.

Lord, you're always faithful to rescue and hear me in my time of need
Your heart swells with joy when I cry to you, all while the devil tries to plant his seeds.
God, you are my Rock when I feel I am down to just dust
Your heart swells with pride as I lean on only you for strengthening trust.
Jesus, you're my sweet salvation not only eternally but on a daily basis as I face life here temporarily.
Your heart swells with honor as I give up everything to proclaim Christ's name in love purely.

{unfinished}

struggle

Hebrews 12:11
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. ♥

Just simply asking God "Why am I struggling- why am I having trouble and pain?" That act alone can really humble you and in and of itself can draw you closer to God.

It also shows an open and willing heart, to be rebuked, changed and shows you want to grow. The more you are willing the closer you'll get in your relationship with Him.


Does it ever seem like you're always struggling with the SAME sin? It's just like that thorn in your side or that pain in your butt - and it relentlessly drags you down and is so overrly annoying that you just want to scream sometimes? Here is a slice of good news, not quite like that warm slice of pie but still pretty good; You will get past it - if you are truly trying to be pleasing to God, sticking to His promise's and letting Him guide you in your life and following His path. You may seem like you're stuck in the same boat you were 6 months ago, but take a good hard look back and I'm sure you will see you're making progress, even if it does seem like you're running in sand to get there.

Every time I start to struggle with this certain thing I literally spend time on my face just crying because not only does it not make sense to me but I hate it. However, the thing that I notice is that I'm also talking to Him quite a bit during that time just asking Him to get me through it and to be who He says He is. He is comforter, He is salvation, He is healer and He is strength and endurance. I believe that is exactly where He wants me & not only when I am struggling or suffering but just every day. He helps me through it every single time too and it makes it well worth while because I feel so much closer to Him than I did before. It's almost as if every single time I get just a step closer to Him and the love I have for Him increases that much more to.

When you are struggling try and embrace Him. It not only makes the struggle worth it in the end but it also makes it so much easier to bear. After you are through the struggle - You WILL be stronger, more spiritually grown and you will be just all around better.